bottling up

i shouldnt say much.

i guess i can wait til summer




i hope that's not tooooo late.




i have so much free time ..that i think A LOT now
..homework used to preoccupy me..but senioritis kicked in
and i really have a lot of time to myself..to reflect..on a lot
of things. its not a very good thing. pretty damn depressing too.
hopefully ill forget all that crap in college.
yeah?
ja.



i hate you
but love you
more than anything

i need to run

hmm

this year's different.
by the end of this year, we're actually GRADUATING. =o
it's not the same as freshman, sophmore or junior year...we're actually leaving lowell.
yayyyy. im actually not THAT happy, but i'm okay i guess. i think id be more happy
if that special sOMEONE, who's older but in a lower grade than me, was graduating in the same year with me. lowell wasn't THAt bad..for me at least. i didnt have homework freshman year, i didnt have homework sophmore year, and i guess i tried in jr year, but never had to pull an all nighter..o; amazing. the only time i ever pulled an all nighter wasn't even because of homework, it was because i was too excited to sleep; i was going to boomers the next day! how fun. but anyways.
i kinda regret going to lowell though...it's really sheltered all of us. everyone (or almost everyone) is super duper nice, whether they're genuinely nice..or not..they're still nice!.. i remember in freshman year, everybody was trying to make friends with each other...i wasn't really used to that so i was kinda weirded out. im totally used to that i guess...so yeah. but eh. im worrying too much.

if i go to sd, i guess ill come home every once a month........
but man........
he means so much to me
more than anything/anyone

at least ill be close to tijuana.
maybe i can help pedro hop the fence
"go pedro go!"

dayu fish update

wow..
so um dayu got me 2 fishes for my birthday...the day after christmas..the fighting fish..
and they were supposed fight each other to the death...butttt
one was way bigger than the other so the small one couldnt put up a fight
and i kinda felt sorry for it..so yeah. but a few days later, i changed the water..and i guess they needed pure water or osmeting and so the big fish suffocated or somethang and died..but the small fish survived..i havent changed the water since
and it's still alive..i put a couple pieces of food in it but i never saw it ate...so i just stopped feeding it...and its STILL alive..
i havent fed it in weeks..

weird.

so yeah. its march 18th, and dayus fish is still alive
i feel bad for it..but not bad enough to change its water. :)

oh and i have turtles.that alex gave me
im not doing a very good job of taking care of them either
but i cant wait til we start feeding it blood wormsssss.
yayay.

fighting evil by moonlight..winning love by daylight...lalalalaaALLALALALALA

i love sailor moon.

i love it.
i loooove it.

shutup, i know more than half of you guys reading this ..have watched it and looooved it.
it's so corny though..but maybe thats why i like it. its kinda funny how. ...i tear up at certain parts....mm maybe i just get too into it.

but i do think its really sad when the pink hair cute little girl, rini cries cause she wants her mommy and shes all lonely and stuff. AWWW. oh yeah and i definitely cried when ash gave away butterfry..butterfree? oh and i think ia lso cried when it was metapod and evolved into butterfree..
it was so beautiful. :']

i guess sailor moon reminds me of the old days..when i was young. it gives my heart a nice warm feeling and i feel really happy when i watch it.. but now that im older and i watch it..i notice a lot more things..like how the girls are REALLY REALLY slutty, and how short the sailor scouts' skirts are..but u never see anything no matter how high it goes..and i kinda wanna just tilt ur head to see if they actually wear underwear..or something. but.yeah. um. nevermind. not really. just kidding. :)



and now thanks to christine and youtube. i can watch sailor moon videos...IM me if u want the link. ill keep it confidential. :) hehe.

ramble ramble

wow
i never thought id say this
but as of right now,
i hate my brother with a PASSION.

hes not just stupid..he's very VERY stupid.
it's amazing. he has no shame. i'm SERIOUS. he comes home with a what..1.9 GPA?
my parents go bananas on him. he cries for a while..starts to do his homework..but the next few weeks, he forgets. and starts to be retarded again. and its not like hes getting bad grades because he doesnt know how to do the work, he just doesnt DO his homework. i mean he goes to wallenburg..how mch work can there be?! he was supposed to show my parents his progress report card last week but he hasnt given it to the teachers yet because its just that bad.

i DO try to help, but he just gives me attitude.
it amazes me he really HAS no shame
sometimes i really really want to klasdjfalkjwekltlk.
and hes not the innocent little joshua i knew back then
hes not the nice boy that actually tried
hes the stupid ugly fat lazy retarded brothers u see on tv
that you just want to kill
or send to africa and trade for a new kid.

give me some advice
cause my parents have given up on him too.

he just doesnt listen anymore.

and its not like he has friends either so its like wtf.
hes always home..doing nothing. all alone. never really
hangs out with his friends either. so wth. i ask him
if he wants to go to the movies with me and my friends
but he says no, so ive stopped asking.

part of me thinks hes mentally ill..maybe he really is..
thatd make a lot of sense..sometimes he laughs out of no where
and its not like its a natural laugh. its one thats forced and unnatural..
i see him doing that and looking in the mirror sometimes..
i wonder if i messed him up when he was little and now hes traumatized or something.

um
i wrote this in the spur of the moment so i might sound a bit psychotic.
but who cares. cause i dont. and thats all that matters.

weird.

i went to my grand uncle's funeral yesterday..
it was just weird seeing him in the coffin..
they stuffed a coin in his mouth..which seemed kinda degrading to me, but i dont know...
what was REALLY weird was how his children didnt even cry...i guess they werent close, but even my aunts cried..even I cried. maybe something happened when they were little and thats why they couldn't cry..but i think its just really weird..because either way hes still your FATHER..
but yeah, ... they took pictures..of him..in..the coffin..flash and everything..wth? are they gonna look back one day and be like heey! i remember that day.

yesterday reminded me of my grandmas funeral..how..[i swear to godd] it looked like she was still breathing..and i still cant believe shes gone cause my memories of her are still so vivid.

"not here, but somewhere else" mm thats probably it.


senioritis really hit..
i got rejected from la [no big surprise] but now im even worried about whether ill get into davis.

back to
my stupiod esasy

off on a tangent

ever have one of those summers when you just dont do aNYTHING at all?
and right after the last day of school, you're like hell yeah ! YEAH i can watch tv, play video games and eat whatever i want!

whoa! amber said we can check ucirvine status online!!!..let's see if i got into uc irvine. im kinda sorta nervous. my heart's beating kinda sorta really fast... my stomachs turning inside out ish.. it feels weird.. brb
..
lol.
oh.
um.
i didn't even apply to irvine. hahahah
i just looked at my receipt..i got worked up for nothing.

okay ANYWAYS..
[6th grade flashbacckckkkkk]
i used to get excited for the summer.. the thought of doing absolutely nothing was really appealing to me..but after doing the same thing everyday....watching price is right...playing neopets..watching maury...eating pho..playing neopets...watching jenny jones..it got pretty boring...even if i played barbie with joshua.
---
[2nd grade]
i moved to san francisco in the 2nd grade..a completely different school...a PUBLIC school. argonne was totally different from chinese christian bible school. CCBS was a cool jesus school. everybody was nice and PLAYED TREEHOUSE WITH ME. but argonne...argonnnneeee... thats when i realized that i was fat and not everyone was nice. one day i went into the play structure and saw two girls alone..i asked them "can i play tea party with you guys?" they both said "no". (but back at christian bible school, EVERYOne would play with each other..) i didnt know what to do ...so i asked them what grade they were in. they said kindergarten..i told them i was in the 2nd grade and i could beat them up. so i pulled on their hair until they cried. hahah.
[middle school]
yeah i didnt have that many friends in middle school either, you are not alone dayu! i was pretty fatty fat fat back then. but back then i didtn care about how i looked..i really..didn't care. id wear a big white tshirt (that i probably stole from my dads closet) over a cheap hand me down sweater..i always wore black sweat pants or black spandex like pants. i didnt start wearing jeans til ..8th grade.

i had friends..but not the kind that ud hang out with after school or have sleepovers with...i just followed a buncha kids from my elementary school so i wouldnt look like a loner. very pretty kids. but yeah mm i think the first friend that was THAT close to me was maggie (7th grade)..good times.. we made videos...stalked people we didnt like..maggie was the first mean funny person i ever knew and i loooved it. i guess im a nice girl but i swear maggie brought out the crazy in me. hahah. the gibroni club..and chipmunk club? something like that. that was pretty fun. vivian was also one of my first close friends. i probably shouldve treated her better though.. maggie didnt like her taht much for some reason.. so i guess i didnt give her as mch respect as she deserved. so sorry vivian.


mm but now summer is fun and i miss it.

wow thats a lot of shit writing.
i should go more into my fatty fat next post.
but yeah if you cant say something nice, then dont say anything at all
i may laugh things off. but i do sekkritly hate many of you jerks on the inside.
and if hate you THAT much, dont worry ill just straight up tell you.
phil yee is OKAY now i guess.
but i do hate chris do.




yeah its definitely the monthly.


just for you dayu! hahah. ur definitely on my cool kids list